You’ve probably been there—lying awake at night, secretly Googling your most intimate sex questions. The advice? Always the same. Talk to your partner. Want to try out a new fantasy? Talk about it. Haven’t been intimate in ages? Talk about it. Want your partner to stop doing that thing you secretly hate? Talk about it.
But here’s the problem: no one really tells you how. The idea of “just talk about it” is the end of the advice, leaving you wondering how to even start.
That’s where this guide comes in. I’ll show you how to talk about sex with your partner—without fear and awkwardness—so you can spice up your bedroom life, explore your desires, and feel more connected to yourself and your partner(s).
My name is Dovie Gena, a certified sexologist based in Denver, CO. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with single women and couples who, like so many of us, have felt hesitant or unsure about exploring something as vital and beautiful as their intimate lives. I understand how vulnerable these conversations can feel, but they’re also the key to unlocking deeper connection and delicious joy. That’s why I’m sharing these tips to help you feel more confident, empowered, and excited as you take steps to bring more passion and intimacy into your life. You deserve a fulfilling, vibrant connection, and I’m here to support you on that journey.
Which Sexual Topics You Should Discuss With Your Partner
For a healthy, fulfilling sex life, here are some topics I recommend discussing openly with your partner:
- Consent and boundaries
- Safe sex (including condom use and sexually transmitted disease infections and testing)
- Turn-ons and sexual favorites
- New fantasies or positions
- Changes in libido
- Body fears and insecurities
- Lack of sexual satisfaction
- Feelings of rejection
- Need for more attention from your partner
- Family planning
How to Talk About Sex With Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend
Here are six tips on how to talk about physical intimacy with your partner(s) whether you are single, attached, married or dating:
1. Choose the Right Time
Choose a moment when you’re both relaxed and distraction-free. Avoid initiating “the sex talk” during arguments, after a long day, or right after sex. A casual coffee date or a cozy night in could work perfectly for this conversation.
2. Plan Your Conversation
Before diving into the conversation, let your partner know you’d like to talk about sex later.
Giving them a heads-up doesn’t have to feel heavy or awkward—it can actually make things sexy and exciting.
Try approaching this conversation with a touch of playfulness by saying something like “I have a fun idea I want to talk about tonight—you’ll love it.” Even if the topic of your conversation is not sexy and exciting, your ability to be considerate, share vulnerably and honestly with them, will grow your connection together.
In long term relationships for example, we often forget that the other person may not have the personal capacity to even listen and truly hear what we are trying to share. We get comfortable and tend to believe our partner is there, so we just offload what we are thinking at any given moment without much mindfulness. Always check with your partner first. Ask if they have time to talk and when, rather than just bombarding them with your thoughts and feelings because it is so easy and natural to do after all those years.
3. Start Slowly
Talking about sex feels vulnerable. Many of us carry deep-seated shame or insecurities around our sexuality. Your partner may be navigating those same feelings too.
Instead of jumping straight into complaints and discontentments, ease into the conversation with kindness and compassion.
Think of it as creating a safe, judgment-free space where both of you can share your thoughts without fear of embarrassment or pressure.
Starting small—like discussing what you already enjoy about your intimacy—can help you break the ice.
4. Suggest, Don’t Complain
Instead of focusing on what’s missing in your sex life, frame your ideas as exciting possibilities. Rather than saying, “You never initiate sex” say, “I love it when you take the lead—can we try that tonight?”
I suggest my clients use the “compliment sandwich”.This is a technique where you start with something you like. Share how you would prefer it be different to enhance your own arousal or pleasure and end with something kind again. Change tastes so much better going down when it is sweet.
For example, “I really love how attentive you are in bed; it makes me feel so connected to you. One thing that might make it even better is if we could try [insert specific desire or preference], as I think it could enhance the experience for both of us. But honestly, I already feel so lucky to be with someone who cares so much about my pleasure.”
5. Make It Fun
Sexy talk isn’t just reserved for when you’re having sex. Incorporate the fun and pleasure of the bedroom into your conversations around sex, too.
Flirt with your partner and throw in some cheeky, sexually charged compliments like, “Your arms look amazing when you do that,” or “Your butt in those jeans? Wow.” Being playful helps you build intimacy and keep awkwardness at bay.
6. Keep Up the Communication
Sex talk isn’t a one-and-done chat. Follow up and check in regularly with your partner to see how both of you feel.
Your desires, wants, and libido changes over time, and staying open keeps your relationship evolving.
How to Tell Your Partner You Need More Intimacy
It feels intimidating to talk to your partner about needing more intimacy. But remember, if done well, it can give your relationship a new life.
Here is how to ask your partner for more intimacy:
- Strengthen the foundation first: Spend time reinforcing your bond through meaningful conversations, shared activities (like starting a business with your loved one), and showing appreciation for each other.
- Start with the positives: Begin by celebrating the strengths in your relationship. Take a moment to reflect on the intimate connections you’ve shared and express how they’ve made you feel deeply connected. For instance, you might say, “I felt so close to you when…” Sharing these heartfelt memories not only honors the bond you’ve built but also opens the door to a deeper dialogue. This is a chance to create a safe, loving space for growth and understanding together.
- Be specific: Your partner won’t know what you want unless you say it
loud and clearly. Explain what you’re asking for and why it’s important. For example, “I really miss how we used to cuddle before bed. It made me feel so connected to you.” - Get curious: Don’t keep the conversation one-sided. Ask your partner about their desires and turn-ons, too. Figure out what they’re into and use this information to create a bridge between your desires and explore activities where you both have fun. To learn more about the art of bridging, you’ll need to sign up for a full session to discover your own eroticism first which includes identifying your core desires with a coaching session.
- Acknowledge past efforts: If you’ve had this conversation before and your partner has attempted to be more intimate, give them recognition for it. Acknowledge what they did right (“I love that we tried this”) while taking a teamwork approach to discuss how they can make it even better (“Wouldn’t it be fun if we experimented with [insert your new intimate idea here]?”).
What to Do if They Say No
Somatic sex & relationship coaching picks up what the other methods leave out: disappointment. Your partner may say no to your request and that’s okay. It is ok to get frustrated, just be sure to take time to process those feelings. When you are ready, try approaching the conversation with empathy, and view this as an opportunity to dig deeper. Moments of disappointment are unavoidable & allow us the unique opportunity to also learn something about ourselves.
You want to understand the reason behind their “no”. Ask gentle questions like, “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
What’s more, if they’re not comfortable with your initial request, suggest some alternative activities you think they’d like, while still aiming to have your own needs met.
If the conversation stalls or your partner refuses to talk about your sex life at all, this may signal deeper issues in your relationship. In this case, it may be worth consulting with a professional Denver sex coaching expert.
What if Talking About Sex Makes Me Uncomfortable?
In a culture that has made talking about sex taboo — this is a totally normal feeling, one that you can overcome. Here are some things to consider if discussing sex with your partner makes you uncomfortable:
- Acknowledge Your Discomfort: It’s okay to feel uneasy—recognizing it is the first step toward change. This is where somatic tools for managing overwhelming emotions can come in great use!
- Pick the Right Time: Choose a relaxed moment when both of you are open to communication.
- Start Small: Begin with general conversations about intimacy before diving into deeper topics.
- Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and needs without placing blame, e.g., “I feel…” or “I would like…” This allows you to avoid projecting onto our partner. You can only control yourself afterall.
- Focus on Connection, Not Perfection:
- Educate Yourself Together: Read articles or watch videos about healthy communication in relationships to build shared knowledge.
- Seek Support: A therapist or coach can provide tools and strategies to help you talk about intimacy more comfortably.
How a Certified Sex Coach Can Help:
If you and your partner feel disconnected or want to bring new energy to your intimacy, I’m here to help. Together, we’ll create a safe, compassionate space to explore your desires, reconnect with yourself, and strengthen your bond.
Using a somatic approach rooted in vulnerability and mindfulness, I guide individuals and couples of all orientations toward sexual confidence and empowerment. Whether you’re ready to embrace new fantasies, heal from the past, or deepen your body’s connection toward love and pleasure, this is your chance to step into a life of joy, heartfelt intimacy, and authenticity. Let’s begin this journey together.
Curious to learn more about how I can improve your sex life? Schedule a free 20-minute session today!
Talking About Sex FAQs
1. How to communicate when you want sex?
The best way to express your desire is with clear, open communication. Let your partner know how much you value intimacy and use positive, non-judgmental language to share your feelings. Timing matters—choose a relaxed moment to talk.
2. How to talk about sex confidently?
Confidence comes from understanding your own needs and being honest with your partner. Practice expressing your feelings and desires in a respectful way. Remember, talking about health and intimacy is a natural part of a strong relationship.
3. What are some ways to subtly talk about sex?
- Drop hints by discussing a scene from a movie or book.
- Compliment your partner on something intimate they do.
- Ask playful or naught
4. What are some luscious questions to ask your partner?
- “What’s something new you’ve always wanted to try?”
- “What’s a moment with me that made you feel closest to me?”
- “What’s one way we could deepen our connection as a couple?”
5. How to ask for more intimacy?
Let your partner know how much you value closeness in your relationship. Say something like, “I’d love to spend more time together being affectionate,” or, “I think it would be good for us to explore new ways to connect.”
6. Why is talking about sex important in any relationship?
For couples, discussing intimacy fosters trust, understanding, and mutual satisfaction. It’s a key part of emotional and physical health, helping partners navigate their partnership more successfully, however they define that for themselves.
7. What’s the best way to talk about desires without making someone uncomfortable?
Be empathetic and respectful. Start with phrases like, “I’ve been thinking about how we can make things more fun for us,” or, “I want to know what makes you happiest.” Focusing on both your needs and your partner’s ensures a positive conversation.
